FOR SUZY

The amazing Suzy over at Identity Crisis http://suzy-identitycrisis.blogspot.com/has been writing about the harrowing upbringing she endured. It is heartbreaking stuff and I read it with trepidation, profound regret and also a deep feeling of gratitude that my childhood was so different.

This inspired me to give her another perspective........... I adore my daughter so decided to tell her how it should have been.

I became a mum for the first time in 1990 and my subsequent sons arrived in 1994, 1997 and 1998. I resumed my career in 2000 and life was sweet. Husband became unwell in 2004 and was initially diagnosed with gall stones....... He was duly admitted to have his gall bladder removed only to be told on the day of his operation that the specialist wasn't satisfied that the diagnosis was accurate. More tests followed and the next few months he was admitted to hospital as an emergency three times in total agony. He was finally diagnosed with Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction (SOD for short!!!) and was told a simple overnight procedure was all that was required to get him back on track. He was in hospital for almost a month, during which he spiked the highest temperature ever recorded on the critical care unit. I finally brought him home at the beginning of a lovely summer, during which he regained his health and strength.

September came and being a Libran brought my birthday. Imagine my surprise when my birthday drink tasted like ashes. YUK! It was disgusting....... Of course I was pregnant.

Now this really wasn't on the agenda and much soul searching and many tears followed. I was 39, loving my career, had 4 amazing sons and another child was an enormous undertaking....... Despite my history of miscarriage, this pregnancy was smooth as smooth. I had an amnio, primarily because of my advanced years and found out on December 21st 2004 that I was expecting a GIRL. Yes, a pink one. I was shocked, stunned, amazed and absolutely over-joyed. My boys are my world but I had always longed for a girl to dress in pink frills, play dolls with and enjoy that connection that my mum and I had always shared.

The fair lady Miss Evangeline Dolly Wiseman came into the world at 22.22 on 25.05.05 (for you football fans that was the night that Liverpool won the Champions League despite being 3-0 down).

It was love at first sight. I cried and cried when I first held her. Whilst waiting to be discharged I put husband to bed (well he had been up 24 hours), swaddled my girl and sat in a chair just watching her sleep. Something I still do to this day.

The way I feel about her is different to the boys. That doesn't mean I love them any less but it's like me and the girl have a shared secret that no-one else knows. I cannot bear to be parted from her for longer than is absolutely necessary. I avoid going out before she is in bed at all costs. For example, if friends are meeting for an early dinner, I will join them for sweet rather than miss those precious couple of hours I get with my girl.

As there is such an age gap between her and the boys, there is no sibling rivalry as they adore her as I do; to such an extent that I have to make them say no to her - they literally do let her get away with anything, be it dictating what they watch on the tv, what she plays with, where she sits and I could go on and on........

This girl will really test the theory that no child ever grew up suffering from being loved too much. You too Suzy should have had this and I am so sorry you didn't XXXXX